Bertram's Redneck Vittles

Bertram Redneck's Vittles

This ain't no put-on, it's the real deal !!! American Redneck vittles at their heart stompin', cholesterol infused, vein blockin' finest.

Best Dang ol' Corn Bread
*Note: Yer webmaster's been on a diet fer the past 6 months and while I ain't et none
of them other recipes below fer quite some time, I still make this once or twice a week
and the weight is still comin' off. This is the best tastin' dang ol' diet food yer gonna find !!!

Now first y'all preheat yer oven to 400 degrees.
Yer Fixins;

1 cup all purpose flour
3/4 cup corn meal
a three fingered pinch of salt
3 teaspoons of bakin' powder
1/3 cup sugar.

Now mix this together real good !
Then add

1 cup lo fat milk
1 egg, beaten real good
2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
about a half ounce of yer molassas

Now mix/sift everything together real good !

Pour into yer favorite pan. I use a 10" square non-stick pan, but fer some reason it sticks sometimes so I spray it with an olive oil cookin' spray and lightly dust it with fine flour.

Cook it fer 25 - 30 minutes, or till it looks like yer ready to fight someone fer the first piece. It tastes best served while it's still warm.

Bisquits n' Gravy

Yer Bisquits

Preheat yer oven to 450 degrees

2 cups all purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon salt
2 and 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder
3/4 cups of milk (Buttermilk is best but whole milk works good too. No Non-Fat !!!)
5 Tablespoons of shortnin'. (That's crisco or lard fer you city folk)

Mix all the above well and dump on a floured board. knead a bit and roll out till about a quarter inch thick. Use a glass, bisquit cutter or whatever y'all got to cut em out.

Bake em fer about fifteen minutes or till they is golden brown.

Yer Gravy

Heat up yer fryin pan and dump in about half a pound of ground sausage meat. When it's nice n' brown add 3 teaspoons of bacon fat and 3 teaspoons of flour, a three fingered pinch of salt, a mess of fresh ground black pepper and either a pinch of cayeene pepper or a good dash of yer favorite hot sauce. Scrape all around like you were making a roux and when the flour has sopped up all the fat, turn the heat up real high and pour in about a cup of milk. Now keep a stirring the entire time now, it all happens real fast from here on. When it comes to a boil it'll thicken real fast. Keep adding milk, a little at a time till it's the right thickness. Taste it fer seasoning and add more salt, pepper or hot sauce if needed. (Remember, ya can always add more but ya can't take none out !!!)

Yer done!.

Cut a couple/three bisquits in half and lay the tops half way over the bottoms on yer plate and smother them in gravy. Now this ain't what you'd call real healthy eatin', but it's about as tasty as eatin' gets.

Yer welcome!!!

Bertram's Fried Chicken

This here's so easy it's almost a crime. Y'all can ferget about them complicated secret recipes fer yer fried chicken, this is real gud and real simple.

Soak yer chicken thighs or legs or the parts ya like fer fryin' in buttermilk over night. Fill yer big fryin' pot with enough oil to cover all them chicken parts when ya add em (about 5 " is good) and set it on yer stove top set on medium heat. Now gettin' back to the chicken, get yerself a baking pan about 8 inch square with at least two inch high sides. Add two cups of flour and about a couple/three heapin tablespoons of seasoned salt. That's it. Fer extra crispy add a half cup of rice flour. Check yer oil, if when you stick a wood spoon down in it, if a mess of bubbles come from the end of it, yer ready. (The finger test would be a real bad idea here !!!) Using one hand fer the dry stuff and one fer the wet, one piece at a time place the chicken in the flour mixture and make sure it gets coated all over. Dip it back in the buttermilk and then back into the flour fer a second coating. Put in the oil and do the same with the rest. Keep at it till ya got enough fer a single layer, don't have them piling up on each other. They needs room. Let em cook uncovered, and mind the temp.so the oil doesn't get too hot, and when they rise to the top they is done. Let em cool a spell before ya try eatin em, or you're gonna burn the hell out of yerself.

CAJUN STYLE RED BEANS & RICE

1 lb dried pinto beans,
2 c yellow onions(chopped),
1 c green onions(chopped),
1 green bell pepper(chopped),
1/2 tsp garlic(minced),
1/4 tsp red cayenne pepper,
3/4 tsp ground black pepper,
1/2 tsp salt,
1/4 tsp oregano,
1/4 tsp garlic powder,
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce,
3 dashes Tabasco sauce,
6 oz can tomato paste,
1/4 tsp thyme,
1 tsp celery flakes,
6 c cooked brown rice.

Wash beans and then soak for 12 hours. Drain water. Fill a large pot with beans; add water to 1/2 inch above beans level. Add remaining ingredients except rice; cook over low heat 2 to 2 1/2 hours, covered. Serve over cooked rice.

Bertram's Breakfast Burrito

No more need fer makin' a run to yer local McDonalds fer yer favorite breakfast grub. Ol' Bertram's gonna tell ya how to do it yerself. This here'll make one big mother of a burrito.
Yer gonna need:
Fresh ground pork sausage
2 eggs
A handfull of onion, diced
A handfull of bell pepper, diced
cumin
garlic powder
salt n' pepper
burrito size tortillas
grated cheese. (A Mexican mixture is best but sharp cheddar's good too)
hot salsa.

Heat up yer pan and add yer onions and bell pepper. When the onions turn clear add yer sausage. Sprinkle with about a half teaspoon of cumin, the same of garlic powder and some salt and fresh ground pepper. While it cooks break yer eggs in a bowl and add yer salt and pepper and scramble em good. When the sausage is about done add yer eggs and stir constantly till it's done. Heat yer tortilla in yer microwave. Open yer tortilla on yer carving board and dump yer eggs on it. Sprinkle with cheese and add a heapin' helpin of yer hot salsa. Fold the two sides in and roll up from the bottom. Hot damn that's good eatin'...

Kitty Litter Cake

1 pkg. spice cake mix
1 pkg. white cake mix
1 pkg. white sandwich cookies
green food coloring
12 small tootsie rolls
1 pkg. vanilla pudding mix
1 new kitty litter box
1 new pooper scooper

Prepare cake mixes and bake according to directions. Prepare pudding mix and chill until ready to assemble. Crumble white sandwich cookies in small batches in blender. They tend to stick, so scrape often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup. To the 1/4 cup cookie crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix using a fork.
When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl.
Toss with half the remaining cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding.
Gently combine. Line new, clean kitty litter box. Put mixture into litter box.
Put three unwrapped Tootsie rolls in a microwave safe dish and heat until soft and pliable. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more Tootsie rolls and bury in mixture. Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs lightly over the top, this is supposed to look like the chlorophyll in kitty litter.
Heat remaining Tootsie rolls, 3 at a time, in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs.
Serve with a new pooper scooper.
This does take a bit of time. My friend made it for an adult's Halloween party, I swear you can't tell it from the real thing if you follow the directions carefully. Try it, you'll like it.
Serves 24

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