That much we know for sure, but as to
exactly when, even he hasn't a clue. Some place his birth around 1915 but there
exist records to suggest it may have been considerably earlier. I
suspect he probably remembers when God was a boy. Other records
suggest it may have been somewhat later. Then there's them what
says he don't exist at all. All I can say to them is they've
never had to clean off all of the corn he spat all over the car,
television, sofa, cat etc... He's your basically angry, four
foot, naked, hairy, flintlock toting, moonshine drinkin' redneck
troll ! When he's in one of his better moods he's a real kick to
have around, but when he's in one of his usual bad moods, well
just try to imagine Richard Gephardt on bad LSD. That would be
yer best case scenario! Not too pretty a picture, huh !!! He
ain't big on bathing, he thinks it's unhealthy. He is big on his
shotgun and likes to load it with rock salt. While he don't
cotton to racists, bigots and hate mongers in general, he hates
liberals and lawyers even more than he hates revenuers.
Several
things about Bertram that are fer certain:
He thinks
Brian Dennehey made a much better Buford Pusser than Joe
Don Baker and will fight anyone who suggests otherwise.
Catsup is his
favorite vegetable.
His favorite
meat is raw. (But he's taken a real shine to fried
bologna)
He's still
trying to sell his idea of a "Gravy Burrito"
franchise.
His favorite
musicians are Marty Robbins, Roy Orbison and Randy Travis.
He also likes The Grateful Dead and The New Riders Of The
Purple Sage and Willie n' Waylon.
He hates the
Carpenters.
He loved Hee
Haw, Andy Of Mayberry, Death Valley Days, Have Gun Will
Travel, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train, Rawhide, Wanted: Dead or
Alive & The Beverly Hillbillies.
He hated The
Waltons and Little House On The Prairie.
He loved
Lonesome Dove but hated the sequels.
His favorite
authors are Louie Lamour, Richard Brautigan and P.J.O'Rourke.
He thinks
Watergate was part of a vast liberal conspiracy.
He thinks
Ronald Reagan is still president, having been re-elected
after George Bush.
He thinks
Festus was a God and Chester was a commie.
He thinks Hoss
was the best Cartwright.
He thinks pro
wrestling is real and the moon landing was faked.
He thinks
Ollie North WAS elected to the Senate. (I told him
this to keep him calm and it would be real foolish to try
and suggest otherwise.)
He thinks G.
Gordon Liddy is the messiah.
He's
suspicious of Rush limbaugh. (specially since he lost all
that weight)
He hates Jerry
Falwell
He suspects
Richard Ghephart is really Dr. Seuss's grinch come to
life.
If you ever
meet him and go fer coffee, trust me on this; Have it
plain & black !!!
He thinks
"Lite" beer was invented by liberals.
Rather
surprisingly, he likes hippies. (I suspect them topless
hippie gals he saw at Woodstock had somethin' to do with
this... Plus he claims if'n ya pull back on all that long
hair on a hilly, ye'll find a red neck every time !)
His favorite
food is Scotch Whisky.
His favorite
beverage is stout.
He thinks
Margaret Thatcher is "one righteous babe".
He thinks John
Wayne is still alive and it would be suicide to try to
tell him otherwise.
He knows
there's hope fer mankind because "Moses" was
elected president of the NRA.
To disagree
with Bertram on any of these points is, well, imagine
attaching one end of a short rope to the meanest tom-cat
you ever saw, the other end to yer neck, and jumpin' in
the pond.
He's pretty
fail-to-middlin' with a computer. Wanna see the contents
of yer My Documents folder? Pretty spooky, huh!
See how fast the hackers could get ya !
The following
people/organizations have restraining orders against him:
Back
in the early sixties Bertram performed with the Beatles for
several years. For reasons unknown
the surviving Beatles deny this fact, but the proof is here.
Bertram Redneck, the 5th Beatle ...
Later
on in that turbulant decade it has been suggested that Bertram
was at least in part responsible
for the near disasterous Apollo 13 mission. The following picture
of the crew lends some credence
to this theory.
