SUCKING GRITS - Georgia (AP) July 1st, 2002
     Hundreds of new laws take effect with the July 1 start of fiscal years in many states. The laws reflect legislators’ concerns with the burdensome threats of terrorism and budget deficits, spiked with a few less-weighty matters.
     In Georgia — despite one lawmaker’s plea that there were more pressing topics to tackle — the legislature passed a bill recognizing grits as the state’s official prepared food. The breakfast staple joins peanuts, peaches and Vidalia sweet onions as Georgia’s designated food symbols.

Secret Service Agents Brawl Near Bar - ENCINITAS, Calif., March 2. 2002 - Reuters
     Four off-duty U.S. Secret Service agents clashed with a crowd of locals in a San Diego-area bar brawl on the day Vice President Dick Cheney began his four-day California tour, an agency spokesman confirmed Saturday.
      THE SAN DIEGO Union-Tribune reported Saturday that an agent bit off the tip of a man’s ear in a fight outside the Daley Double bar with about 15 locals triggered by agents making “rude comments” to a local woman.
      Secret Service spokesman Jim Mackin said the agents defended themselves in an incident that occurred at about 2 a.m. on Feb. 18.
      “Initially, two Secret Service agents were assaulted near their vehicle by a group of men after they left a night club in Encinitas, California,” Mackin said. “Then two additional agents came to their aid.”
      The Secret Service does not discuss agent assignments, and Mackin would not give details of the scuffle or say whether the men had been guarding Cheney, who was in the region that day.
      The Union-Tribune, which said the incident happened a day later, on the morning of Feb. 19, quoted a sheriff’s detective as saying one agent had his nose broken and may lose his front teeth due to the fight, although he could not say who started it.
     “It was just a bad scenario. There was alcohol involved and (the agents) got caught up in something and they just tried to get out of it,” the Union-Tribune quoted Detective Sgt. Ron Morse as saying. The agents never said they were from the Secret Service or drew their weapons, and they left the scene before detectives arrived, he added. Detectives interviewed them later at their hotel.
     The sheriff’s office kept the incident secret for “sensitivity” reasons and did not arrest anyone, and the agents confirmed their work was related to Cheney’s visit, he said.
     Shannon Larson, 24, told the newspaper three agents made “rude comments” to her in the Daley Double bar, and that after it closed, one of the agents invited her to a hot tub party, an offer she declined.
     Her acquaintance, Zachery Elson, 21, told the newspaper he confronted the agent, who grabbed his shirt, bit off the tip of his ear, and wrestled him to the ground.
     The agent told detectives that he had bit Elson’s ear during the tussle when he felt a tug on the gun strapped to his side.
     The agents had gone off duty at 11 p.m. on the 18th after Cheney’s visit to the Miramar Marine Corps Air Station, Morse said.
     The sheriff’s department Saturday said no detectives were available to discuss the matter.

KENTUCKY NAVY - Washington Times, April 12, 2002 (*Finally, a Liberal with an idea I can get behind)
      On Capitol Hill yesterday we obtained a copy of resolution BR-2906, introduced in the Kentucky General Assembly by lawmaker Tom Burch, a Democrat, to establish a "Kentucky Navy" and "encourage the purchase of a submarine." And not to fight the war on terrorism.
      The resolution orders the submarine to "patrol the waters of the commonwealth and search and destroy all casino riverboats."
      It specifically calls for the formation of a Kentucky Navy and the purchase and armament of one "particularly effective submarine," to be named the USS Louisville 688 VLS Class submarine, to patrol the Ohio River and engage and destroy any casino riverboats that may be encountered.
      The resolution observes that over the past few years "the scourge" of the casino riverboat has been increasingly significant and "the siren song of payola issuing from the discordant calliopes of these gambling vessels has led thousands of Kentucky citizens to vast disappointment and woe."

FATAL COFFEE MUGGING - Police: Man dies after falling on his coffee mug - SEAFORD, N.Y. (AP) Feb. 22, 2002
(*And them cityfolk call us rednecks dumbass)
     A man apparently bled to death after falling on the shards of a coffee mug he was carrying, police said. Joseph Stoyer, 51, was found face-down on the sidewalk outside his Long Island apartment building by a jogger Thursday. "Somehow he falls, the cup shatters, he lands on one of the sharp pieces of the cup," Detective Lt. Frank Guidice said.

Dino-Era Vomit Fossil Found in England - National Geographic News February 12, 2002
      British scientists have discovered the world's oldest fossilized vomit, believed to have come from a large marine reptile 160 million years ago.
     The vomit contains the remains of dozens of belemnites-squid-like shellfish that lived in abundance in the seas around what is now Britain. The belemnites were eaten in great numbers by ichthyosaurs, large marine reptiles (related to land-dwelling dinosaurs) common in the warm seas of the Jurassic era, similar in size and shape to dolphins but with pointed snouts full of sharp teeth.
     The vomit fossil shows the remains of dozens of squid-like shellfish that were eaten in great numbers by ichthyosaurs, large marine reptiles (related to land-dwelling dinosaurs) common in the warm seas of the Jurassic era.

Photograph by Patrick Barth/University of Greenwich

Man found dead in Delaware apartment with several pet lizards feasting on body - DOVER, Del. (AP) Jan.17, 2002
     Several flesh-eating pet lizards were found feasting on the corpse of their owner in his apartment. Police were called to Ronald Huff's apartment in Newark, Del., on Wednesday after a relative became worried because Huff failed to show up for work, investigators said.
      Officers found Huff's body on the floor, with his pet Nile monitor lizards feeding on his flesh. The state medical examiner is investigating the cause of death.
      Huff, 42, had last been seen Sunday, New Castle County police said.
      Workers with the Delaware Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals recovered seven lizards, the largest measuring 6 feet long and weighing 25 pounds. "They're alive and well," said SPCA director John Caldwell. He added that one of the reptiles recovered was acting aggressively, "actually going toward you, mouth open."
      Caldwell said the lizards have small but very sharp teeth and muscular, whip-like tails that can seriously injure a person. In the wild, they eat eggs, birds and other animals, he said. "In captivity, we feed them raw chicken and liver. You can also feed them hard-boiled eggs," he said.
      The SPCA will try to place the lizards with zoos or educational groups, Caldwell said. Barring that, they will be euthanized.

Man Bakes Fireworks, Blows Up Kitchen - Reuters KANSAS CITY, Mo. (July 5) -
     Fireworks hidden in a Kansas City man's oven turned out to be a recipe for disaster when the man attempted to heat up some food but instead blew his kitchen to bits. The explosion occurred early on Wednesday, the Independence Day holiday, at the home of a 28-year-old man who had spent the night celebrating with a group of friends, Kansas City Assistant Fire Marshall Jim Duddy said Thursday.
     According to Duddy, the group, ''who had been drinking heavily,'' were shooting fireworks off for several hours on Tuesday night at the Northland area home, disturbing neighbors who called police. Someone in the group attempting to hide a stash of fireworks from the police, stuffed them into the oven and then forgot about them, Duddy said.
      About 3 a.m. the homeowner decided to bake some lasagna and turned the oven on. ''It blew the kitchen all apart,'' said Duddy. ''The walls were all blown out, the oven flew right through one of the walls.'' Flying glass caused some slight injuries, but otherwise no one was hurt.
Reuters 13:43 07-05-01

Turkish Officials Seal off Area After Villagers Claim Alien Sighting - ANKARA, Turkey (AP) June 5th, 2001
      A regional governor ordered police to seal off a field Monday to allow an investigation into claims that villagers saw an extraterrestrial in the area.
Gov. Ayhan Cevik of Usak province said he doubted the claim, but nevertheless cordoned off an area near Narli village. ``We have more important matters to deal with but we have no other choice,'' Cevik said. ``The area is being protected, we're waiting for the scientists.''
Hakan Akdogan, the head of Sirius, a Turkish UFO research group, told NTV television that a team from the organization was traveling to the area to check radiation levels and analyze the soil.
      Fevzi Cam, his wife and another woman said they spotted the alien early Monday while riding on their tractor to a tobacco field. Cam said he threw stones at the creature whom he described as wearing a shiny, yellow-gray outfit with a yellow light on the front. He said the being was between 60 to 70 centimeters (2 to 2 1/2 feet) tall with a wide, round head, and wide eyes. ``It didn't have wings or propellors but it could fly upward,'' Cam said in a telephone interview from Cevik's office.
Two other villagers said they saw strange lights in the area.
      Turkish television stations and media websites displayed pictures of the creature that police drew based on Cam's description.
      Usak is 370 kilometers (230 miles) southwest of Ankara, the capital.

Redneck Perseverance at it's Finest - LOUISVILLE, Ky. April 4, 2001 - PRNewswire
     Matthew Scott and Jerry Fisher, the only two people in the United States to receive a transplanted hand, will serve as official "Thundernators" at the Kentucky Derby Festival Thunder Over Louisville event April 21, by pushing the buttons to ignite the largest fireworks display in America.
      Mike Berry, Kentucky Derby Festival president, made the announcement during a press conference at Jewish Hospital today. "The Derby Festival feels fortunate to have these two courageous men who took part in a pioneering medical procedure to act as 'Thundernators' for this year's Thunder Over Louisville." said Berry. Both Matt and Jerry's injuries were caused by firework accidents. We thought it was fitting that these two men -- better than anyone -- could reinforce the message that fireworks should be left to the professionals. These men are making the most of every day, and will have come full-circle in igniting the largest annual fireworks show in the United States," he added.

LIKE, OUCH - Grand Rapids, Minn.(Grand Rapids, Herald Review) 03-2001
     Aaron Christopher Jarva, 24 was apparently taking crystal methamphetamines when he decided to place a tarantula on his private parts. Not surprisingly the tarantula bit him. Meds rushed him to Itasca Medical Center after his roommate called it in.

Las Vegas team adopts out-of-this-world Area 51 image -Associated Press 12-31-2000
      LAS VEGAS(AP) via NewsEdge Corporation -
The mascot and theme music possibilities are, well, otherworldly. Known for 18 years as the Stars, Las Vegas' minor league baseball team is remaking itself. They're not the Blackjacks, Royal Flushes or Silver Dollars. They'll be the 51s, as in Area 51, the famously top-secret test site in the Nevada desert oft-rumored to be the mysterious location of captured UFO spacecraft and even alien beings. ``We figured if we get a cease-and-desist order from the government we'll really make news,'' Aaron Artman, creative director for the Triple-A ballclub, said Wednesday. ``But they can't send it if they don't admit Area 51 exists.'' ``The good news is, nobody doesn't have an opinion,'' Strelo said. ``Some people love it and some people hate it.''
      As for the U.S. government, well, no comment. ``I'd like to say something clever,'' said Lt. Col. Joan Ferguson, a spokeswoman at Nellis Air Force Base near Las Vegas. But she didn't. ``The official position is that there is a classified operating location near Groom Dry Lake,'' Ferguson said. ``We simply do not discuss those activities. The Air Force has never officially had an Area 51.''
      ``From a marketing standpoint, the name Stars didn't give us a lot of identity,'' Strelo said. But with the Area 51 identity, he called merchandise and mascot possibilities ``endless.'' Area 51, northwest of Las Vegas and Nellis, has legendary status among UFO and science fiction enthusiasts. Some swear the government uses it for super-secret tests and as a place to study extraterrestrial life.
      ``You may be a purist, but your 5-year-old son might like the alien mascot and your 12-year-old might like the music we're playing,'' Artman said of what they'll encounter at the ballpark. ``This theme gives us a lot of options. Maybe a space ship in the outfield. Or crop circles.''

Gang of crooks has a bad spell REUTERS - LOS ANGELES, Dec. 25, 2001 - For lack of a dictionary "DOH"
      How do you spell sergeant? A group of bumbling, would-be gold thieves didn't know, and that led to their downfall. The simple spelling error; the alleged villains spelled it "sargent". This boner led federal agents last week to arrest four men who allegedly posed as U.S. military personnel and tried to get a precious metals firm to ship gold products to a phony NASA address, officials said.Anthony Macaluso, Alexander Drabkin, Daniel Patterson and Michael Itaev were charged in a Los Angeles federal court with mail fraud, officials said. They were also accused of posing as employees of NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena to obtain industrial gold products from Stern-Leach Co. of Boston.If convicted, each could face up to five years in prison plus three years of supervised release and a $250,000 fine, officials said.
      A QUESTION OF ORTHOGRAPHY -- According to court documents obtained by the Los Angeles Times, Patterson posed as a military officer named "Sargent" Michael Jeffries working in San Diego who sought to have gold parts delivered to a "neutron accelerator project" at a nonexistent JPL office. Officials at the real JPL, which is at a different address in Pasadena, said they had no knowledge of the scheme.
      After Patterson called a Stern-Leach representative several weeks ago, order forms were sent by fax and express mail to the phony JPL office in east Pasadena for 120 sheets of gold, large amounts of 12- and 14-gauge gold wire and 80 ounces of gold "shot" according to the Times. However, the contact on the order form was listed as "Sargent" Michael Jeffries, a spelling error that caused company employees to pause. Patterson also asked that the gold be shipped via the courier company UPS, rather than by armored car, which seemed highly unusual. Company officials reported the incident to the FBI, which referred the case to the Defense Department. After federal agents determined that there was no Sgt. Jeffries listed in San Diego and that faxes sent from Patterson to Stern-Leach originated from a Pasadena Mail Boxes Etc. store, they wiretapped the phone lines of the phony JPL office and eventually made the arrests.

Florida, November 20, 2000 --- ELection 2000 update exclusive A special update you won't be finding in the mainstream news media. Florida Election Update Special

PHILADELPHIA, Nov. 20, 2000 -- Beaver College, Aiming to shed a source of ridicule and boost enrollment, unveiled Monday a new school name that's seemingly satire-proof: Arcadia University. The decision was announced just after midnight at a surprise pajama party for students, who were rounded up from residence halls with less than an hour's notice.
      "ARCADIA UNIVERSITY reflects our foundation and the kind of learning environment we aim to foster." President Bette E. Landman said.
      Much has changed about the college since it was founded in 1853 as a small women's college in western Pennsylvania's Beaver County. For starters, the school is no longer in Beaver -- moving across the state to suburban Philadelphia in 1925.
      And then, there were all those jokes. Landman said in a letter earlier this year that the old name "too often elicits ridicule in the form of derogatory remarks pertaining to the rodent, the TV show "Leave It to Beaver" and the vulgar reference to the female anatomy."
      Beaver College has appeared on David Letterman's Top 10 list. Conan O'Brien and Howard Stern have made jokes about it. And when "Saturday Night Live" writers invented an annoying film critic for a recent sketch, they made him a representative of Beaver College campus radio.

Va. Man Trapped 3 Days In Outhouse -- IVANHOE, Va. (AP) 8/21/2000
      For three days, Coolidge Winesett sat mired in the five-foot hole of a partially collapsed outhouse, alternately yelling for help and trying to cope with the stench.
      ``I tell you what, it was hard to get one breath down there,'' Winesett, 75, said Wednesday, a day after being rescued by a mail carrier who noticed that Winesett's deliveries were still in the box and went looking for him.
      Jimmy Jackson, the mail carrier, found no sign of Winesett at his house or car. But Jackson spotted Winesett's crutch propped beside the outhouse. ``The closer I got, I heard a faint sound like somebody trying to holler,'' Jackson said. Winesett, who is partially paralyzed from a stroke and lives alone, fell Saturday when the outhouse floor and part of a wall gave way. ``Down it went and took me with it,'' he said. ``I thought it was an earthquake. Then I realized where I was at. ... I done a lot of hollering, but nobody couldn't hear me.''
      The collapsed floor save Winesett from being dunked in the deepest sludge, but he suffered splinter scratches. He was hospitalized for dehydration and infection from the scratches.

The World's First Rotten Fish Museum To Open - STOCKHOLM (July 27) - Reuters 11:51 07-27-00 -
      The world's first museum dedicated to fermented herring will open in northern Sweden next year, daily Vasterbottens Kuriren reported on Thursday. The museum will explain the ancient technique developed by fishermen in the Gulf of Bothnia for preserving herring by adding a small amount of salt then letting the fish ferment. You have to be Swedish to appreciate the pungent delicacy called surstromming (sour herring), which traditionally appears in August.
      Only two percent of the 800,000 cans produced every year are exported -- to expatriate Swedes who long for the sharp odor -- which is dismissed by others as resembling dog excrement. The $335,000 museum will be tactfully situated well clear of human habitation, on a finger of land outside Ornskoldsvik in the Gulf between Sweden and Finland, at the behest of a foundation endowed by ship owner Emanuel Hogberg.

From My Cold Dead Hands
Circa July 2000 - A special EXTRA to the Beaudry Gazette *BEER* "burp". You've really got to admire the way this knucklehead sets his priorities...

Rappin' on Heaven's Door
      28 February 2000, London, Ohio - Some artists bleed for their creative work, but usually not literally. That standard changed on Monday, when a gangster-rap video artist put his final effort into his project, and shot himself in the head while the cameras rolled. 24-year-old Robert created the 10-minute video at his apartment with his brother Michael and a friend named Fred. On camera, Robert reached for a .22-caliber handgun, swung the muzzle of the gun to his temple, and fired the gun. The two co-producers hindered efforts to save the injured man. Police were summoned to the scene by complaints from a neighbor who objected to the loud music and violent shouting. But when they arrived, Michael had to be restrained from preventing police from controlling the scene, and Fred struck a paramedic. Both face misdemeanor charges.
      Robert was 24 when he died in a coma at the Ohio State University Medical Center.

Gun Safety Training 28 February 2000, Texas -
      A Houston man earned a succinct lesson in gun safety when he played Russian Roulette
with a .45-caliber semiautomatic pistol on Monday. 19-year-old Rashaad was visiting friends when he announced
his intention to play the deadly game. He apparently did not realize that a semiautomatic pistol, unlike a revolver,
automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber when the gun is cocked. His chance of winning a round of
Russian Roulette was zero, as he quickly discovered.

Ugandan Man Dies After Eating Chameleon
UGANDA, BridgeNews--New York, April 27, 2000 -
     A 22-year-old Ugandan, who eats live reptiles and insects for a living, died after eating a chameleon, the state- owned New Vision newspaper reported on Thursday.
      The man, named as Namenya made his living travelling around eastern Uganda and western Kenya, being paid to eat live caterpillars, snails, snakes, lizards, butterflies, rats, frogs and geckos.
      According to the paper he made 1,500 Ugandan shillings (one dollar) for eating a snake head or a gecko or a caterpillar, 1,000 shillings for a frog, 500 shillings for a rat or a snail and 200 shillings for butterflies.
Namenya was admitted to hospital last week after eating a chamelon. He died from a swelling on the mouth.

Playing Childhood Games and Pranks Still Popular With Adults, Even Wedgies Says Diet Pepsi/Angus Reid Poll - TORONTO, April 25, 2000 via NewsEdge Corporation
     Hard to believe, but almost one in every 10 Canadian adults still gives "wedgies", according to an Angus Reid Group/Diet Pepsi survey. And, no surprise here, men (10%) do it more than women (7%). A wedgie is defined as a sharp, upward yank on someone else's underwear, a prank whose origins can be traced back to high school locker-rooms.
      Albertans must be the most mischievous of all Canadians -- 61% of workers in Alberta surveyed say they pull pranks at work to relieve workplace boredom, which is eight points higher than the national average of 53%.
      The survey reflects the theme of DIET PEPSI's latest TV ads in the campaign "Taste The One That's Forever Young", which feature young adults taking a moment from their busy lives to enjoy DIET PEPSI and lighten the mood of those around them by pulling harmless pranks. In "Taxi Unfare", a young woman trapped in a slow-moving taxi plays Punchbuggy with a surprised cabby when she spots a VW Beetle (Bug) on the road. In "Seems Fitting", a young tailor gives his overly fussy hipster customer a wedgie while measuring him for a pair of trousers. The Canadian-made spots were launched in March and will run until the end of June.
The survey also found that:
      Saskatchewan and Manitoba had the highest percentage of "I Spy" players (43%) vs. a national average of 25% -- perhaps it's all those long prairie drives.
      25% of Canadian adults still play Punchbuggy (which involves punching the nearest person in the arm when you spot a VW Bug on the road).
      Happiest childhood memories are of less aggressive games like I Spy(31%) and speaking Pig Latin (27%), whereas giving Noogies (9%) and Wedgies (8%) didn't fare nearly as well.

TORONTO HOPES TO LURE TOURISTS WITH LIFE-SIZED PLASTIC ANIMALS:March 30th, 2000, - By Bridge News
      Toronto is bracing for a fake moose invasion. Hundreds of moose, life-sized, painted fiberglass models will take to the city's streets this summer in a campaign to lure tourists and raise money for charity.
      Sponsors will pay $4,450 for each moose, or $20,700 for a herd of four, Mayor Mel Lastman said as the campaign was launched Wednesday. He said he expects the total fake moose population to reach 400, raising more than $2 million for charity and the Canadian Olympics Foundation.
      Organizers say the animal model idea worked in Chicago, where life-sized cow models helped attract 2 million more tourists last summer compared to the previous year. The additional visitors generated an extra $135 million for the local economy.

Appeals court rules sadomasachism can be prostitution March 28, 2000, TORONTO (AP) via NewsEdge Corporation;
      A dominatrix selling pain and humiliation engages in prostitution, the Ontario Court of Appeals has ruled in a case that challenged the judicial system to define sadomasochism. Terri-Jean Bedford argued that the services she offered had nothing to do with sex. But Thursday's judgment said the definition of prostitution under Canadian law was not limited to purely sexual acts.
      ``Prostitution consists of lewd acts for payment for the gratification of the purchaser,'' Justice George Finlayson wrote in a judgment that rejected her appeal of a 1998 conviction for running a house of prostitution. ``The fact that the acts described in this appeal also involve pain and humiliation does not detract from their sexuality nor the sexual gratification obtained by the clients,'' the ruling said. Bedford, 40, offered sadomasochism services from her north Toronto home under the professional name Madame De Sade. Police raided the building in 1994, seizing whips, restraints and a coffin.

Cos. Want To Reduce Cow Flatulence March 28, 2000, Alberta, Canada via NewsEdge Corporation. By Tom Cohen - Associated Press Writer
      It sounds like a joke, but an agreement signed Thursday to reduce cow flatulence _ a source of one of the greenhouse gases that cause global warming _ is no laughing matter, a Canadian electric company insists. TransAlta, Canada's largest private power provider, said it has reached the multimillion dollar agreement with Global Livestock Group, a U.S. company, to produce a feed supplement for cattle in Uganda that would reduce their belching and flatulence.
      Sprayed on the cattle's hay and feed, the supplement would ease the animals' digestion to minimize expulsions of methane gas and produce more and better meat and milk, according to TransAlta.
      If successful, the decrease in methane gas expelled would be equivalent to 30 million tons of carbon dioxide, company spokesman Tim Richter contended. ``People tend to snicker at the obvious joke, but when they look at the size of the emissions we're talking about here, they say, `Wow, that's a lot,''' Richter said from Vancouver, where the announcement was made at an international environmental business conference. Greenhouse gases, including carbon dioxide and methane, trap heat in the atmosphere and are believed to contribute to global warming. They are largely produced from burning oil, coal and gas. TransAlta has pursued the deal as part of its strategy to reduce its greenhouse gas emissions to a net equivalent of zero by 2024. Though the company's plants will still produce gases, they will be offset by eliminating an equivalent amount of gases elsewhere through the Uganda deal and other planned projects. TransAlta operates power plants in Alberta and has holdings in the United States, Australia and New Zealand. The agreement is the type envisioned by the 1997 Kyoto Protocol, an international treaty for industrialized nations to reduce the amount of greenhouse gas emissions to pre-1990 levels by the year 2012. The protocol, which still requires ratification, includes a proposal allowing companies to continue producing a higher level of greenhouse gases by gaining ``credits'' through projects reducing emissions elsewhere.
      Environmental groups question the validity of the strategy. John Wellner of Pollution Probe said TransAlta generates much of its power by burning coal, which releases toxins that contribute to smog and acid rain. He said that if their operation in Uganda allows them to increase business and operations in Ontario and Alberta, ``the other pollutants that go along with that production are going to increase.''

Fat Home-Brewer Evades Jail Feb. 21, 2000 - STOCKHOLM
     A 51-year-old Swedish woman escaped a jail sentence for home brewing illegal alcohol because she was too fat.
      The woman and her husband were sentenced to two and a half months each for making and selling moonshine from their flat in Norrland, far north Sweden.
      But the woman argued in a court of appeal she should not go to prison because her weight of 350 pounds meant she needed help with personal hygiene and dressing, tabloid paper Expressen said. The court let off her jail term, instead fining her $1,737.

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