Beaudry Gazette Extra
Speshul Update; 03/23/01

Bertram Redneck Feared Dead

According to unnamed, unofficial sources an unidentifiable life form was found dead in the south pacific clinging to a crudely home made sailing raft. There was evidence that it may have been inadvertently damaged by falling debris from the Russian MIR Space Station, which is known to have gone down in the same area.
     Bertram Redneck has not been seen in almost two months. It has been learned that he was taken captive by P*E*T*A* activists, erroneously thinking that they had stumbled upon the last of an endangered species. He was reportedly held captive in a secret location somewhere on an island just off the California coast southwest of Los Angeles. It is also rumored that he managed an escape, on a home made sailing raft, last seen heading towards the southwestern Pacific Ocean with "San Fernisco r' bust" written on the sail with crayola crayon. This last bit of information is what causes us to fear it really was Bertram Redneck. Rosey O'Donnell, Alec Baldwin, Woody Harrelson & Martin Sheen have steadfastly refused to comment on this matter. Additionally found on the boat were several cases of creamed corn, seven pounds of bacon fat stored in old coffee tins and a case of slim jims, as well as a crudely homemade still.